Funny Quotes

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. And then I dance, and they're like 'not like that!' -- Mike Birbiglia

Every Sunny Delight commercial is exactly the same, three guys in the back yard, and one of them is like, "What do you got to drink in the fridge!?" Like so excited about the crappy fridge, and then they go to the fridge and its like, "Well, we’ve got some soda, some purple stuff, SUNNY D!!!" It was always there, behind Brand-X soda and some purple crap, that they couldn't even identify. Of course you’re going to pick Sunny D, that doesn’t mean it’s a good drink you guys. If you came to my house and you’re like "What do you got to drink?!" and I’m like "Well, we’ve got some ketchup, some gravy, my grandma’s piss, SUNNY D!!!" You’d be like, "Is there any lead in your water, because I hate all four of those." That should've been their slogan, "Sunny D, for when your choices are even worse than Sunny D." -- Kyle Cease

"Yes, this is Diane calling from the hospital. I just called to tell you that your ex-girlfriend Mia was killed today. She was helping retards and one of them exploded." And i thought that was so hysterical. and then he calls me up later and is like, "do you think this is true?" "yes, craig. exploding retards is a huge epidemic in our country." -- Kyle Cease

I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In Florida these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 11 times 'cause they said he was holding a grenade.THE GUY WAS EATING A PEAR!! How do you SCREW that up? Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH!" *throws pear* "THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!" -- Dane Cook

You ever have a dream where you get in an argument with someone, then the next time you see them they're like..."Hey, how ya doin'?"You're like... "Hey, fuck you! Don't act like you didn't push me off that cliff. You're lucky I had wings buddy, VERY LUCKY." -- Jim Gaffigan

Ever see that stranger who insists on walking the same speed as you? "Get away from me! What, are we on a date here? I don't even know you!" -- Jim Gaffigan

More to come =)